The Press Conference That Shook The World

Washington, D.C. USA  April 1, 2013

What an historic day in the United States yesterday. President Obama shocked the world by announcing a sensational new direction for the country – and for the world. Detractors in the GOP were heard to exclaim “Treason!” at the top of their lungs and no fewer than five senior members of the Billionaires Club dropped dead of heart attacks.

On the foreign affairs front, the president announced the withdrawal of all U.S. troops in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan and vowed that not one more U.S. soldier would be deployed during the remainder of his administration. He also said that the U.S. was scrapping the drone program, taking a no nonsense approach with Israel on the issue of peace in the Middle East while demanding new talks requiring the attendance of Mahmoud Abbas and Benjamin Netanyahu, putting forth a request that the U.N. give full member status to Palestine, demanding a cut in imports from a list of nations until investigations into human rights violations are concluded, demanding complete transparency on all foreign bank accounts for U.S. citizens and foreign citizens holding an upper management position in U.S. corporations, starting a major infrastructure initiative in poor areas throughout the world and demanding all nations sign a non-proliferation treaty regarding any and all weapons of mass destruction.

In the realm of domestic issues, President Obama announced that he will go to battle with Congress every day for the rest of his tenure as president to get them to agree to cutting the military budget in half. Other sensational pronouncements include an executive directive to pressure Congress to complete the structure of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau giving it unprecedented enforcement powers to dissolve financial institutions exhibiting predatory behavior and prosecute officers of any corporations that conduct business deemed detrimental to the well being of the nation as a whole, a demand for a Constutional amendment disbanding the Federal Reserve corporation and giving the authority to print U.S. currency back to the Treasury Department, a transaction tax on all Wall Street business, a restructuring of the tax code which will simplify it and close all corporate tax loopholes (including a doubling of the capital gains tax to 30%), aggressive prosecutions of all corporate tax crimes, penalties to all U.S. corporations that move operations overseas to avoid taxes, criminalization of paid lobbying of Congress, termination of private campaign finance and a bill to start public financing of all elections, a call to the FCC to undo the deregulation of media ownership, stricter regulation of wiretapping and other domestic intelligence gathering, bringing back the Fairness Doctrine and a Justice Department probe into the criminal activities of the George W. Bush administration – including war crimes for the invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan and military incursions into Pakistan, Yemen and several other nations.

The White House plan, which was released to stunned members of Congress shortly before the press conference which had a large gathering of both U.S. and foreign media, included many other interesting details. Speculation was raised by some as to who would be named to head the various task forces which were listed in the most comprehensive White House plan in recent memory. These included positions to put together two separate teams of economic experts – one to complete the structure of the CFPB & rewrite the U.S. tax code and one to investigate foreign bank accounts of U.S. citizens, enforce tax crimes and fashion an amendment to abolish the Federal Reserve corporation. The names Noam Chomsky, Elizabeth Warren and Lawrence Lessig were heard on more than one occasion throughout the afternoon. The mentioning of Elizabeth Warren investigating corporate tax crimes alone is said to be the cause of at least three of the deaths among wealthy, senior republicans.

Other appointies will be put in charge of peace talks in the Middle East; UN member status for Palestine; human rights violations – domestic and foreign; assessment of cuts in the military budget; assessment of cuts in intelligence services, election reform; a restructuring of the FCC; domestic and foreign infrastructure projects; a Non-Proliferation Treaty; an assessment of budget priorities for the nation to compete in the 21st century and the most controversial of all – a War Crimes Tribunal which will liason with the U.N. and the International Criminal Court. (Previous to any ICC proceedings will be President Obama officially signing and overseeing the ratification of the Rome Statute of the Criminal Court).

A few other controversies also took place yesterday. Notably, Supreme Court Justices John Roberts and Antonin Scalia announced at their own hastily arranged and quite manic press conference that they would resign if the administration didn’t scale back their aggressive plan calling it “a Socialist agenda from Hell.” The administration answered back that not only would they gladly accept the resignations of the two racist, sexist homophobes, they already have a list of potential nominees to replace them.

The Progressive Caucus announced that thirty seven new members had joined their ranks in a matter of hours after the historic press conference. Co-chairs Keith Ellison and Raul Grijalva were thoroughly enjoying the euphoric energy flowing through the assembled crowds everywhere they went. Ellison stated that it was “…a glorious new day in the history of the United States. The world will never be the same again. We have entered an era of justice, democracy and compassion in governing never before seen.”

4 comments on “The Press Conference That Shook The World

  1. Why I do believe today is the 1st of April!!!

  2. It sure is! I got a bit of an early start on the “holiday” – for the U.S. anyway! Thanks for the comment and thanks for reposting my “Big Pharma” essay. Peace.

  3. Very very good….if only it where true….

  4. Yes, I agree. It was posted on April 1st for a reason. Also, I put it in a category called “Wishful Thinking”. Hopefully, one day the human race will evolve beyond the level of suicidal greed, hatred and apathy. Peace.

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